Collapse, Reform (A Guest Reflection by Bea Gauthier)

The term “liminal space” refers to a period in time when the future is uncertain, an in-between stage where your life is changing, but it hasn’t quite gotten to that point yet. It’s a good way to describe our current world and everything going on around us.

For a person like me, who recently befell another devastating tragedy before Covid-19 and quarantine, the current state of the world slowly shattered me into pieces.

A Photo Collage: Collapse, Reform by Bea Gauthier

It came out first as anger. Anger at everything and everyone, for no real reason except for the fact that I was confused, and deep down, I was afraid.

Once the energy from the anger wore off I was left with fear. My anxiety reached a point it never has before until I was having two mental breakdowns almost every week and I was too afraid to stay home alone, I had to go everywhere with my mother even though I was exhausted from worrying.

When word came that school would be starting up again in the fall, the anger returned. I thought that was a really stupid decision. But it faded more quickly this time and once again I was left with even worse anxiety and crushing depression.

There were times I feared I was dying. Of what, I never knew, all I knew was that something must be horribly wrong with me if I felt this way all the time. I was having dizzy spells, more panic attacks, I was always tired but I could never get to sleep at night. I finally went to see a doctor and I got some tests done on my blood and my heart, which all came back fine. The doctor prescribed antidepressants for me and slowly, steadily, I’ve been coming back up from this terrible fall.

In a time such as this, it’s important to remember that things will get better. I know from experience that that’s difficult to believe when you’re having a hard time, sometimes I still find it hard to believe, but then I look at where I was a few months ago. I’m a completely different person now and I’m proud of that. And as we carry on into a new year I know that we can fight this together, even if we can’t be together. I know that I’m not alone and for anyone out there struggling right now; you’re not alone either.

Sometimes you just have to ask for help.

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